Randomness
by LadyBugGirl
Summary: What would happen if me and my friends got to go to the Cullen's house? There are no words to describe the hilarity that would ensue! Please Read & Review! DUDES! THIS STORY IS FUNNY BUT I ONLY HAVE 2 REVIEWS! IT'S FUNNY I SWEAR! PLLLLEAEAEAEAEASSSE READ!
1. Chapter 1

**I got the idea for this from an awesome fan fiction writer named Rabdomanimallover. She is awesome. She uses her friends to write completely random fan fictions that make no sense. She is my idol. Dedicated to Randomanimallover, who wrote a freaking awesome fanfic that inspired this.**

**I own no Twilight characters. So sad. I could be rich.**

**I don't own any of the other characters in here, either, as they are all my friends, who are very real. Shhh, not now Bob. No, I don't want to talk to you now! Go away!**

**Well, most of my friends are real…**

"Are you ready?" I ask my friend Nina as we stand outside the Cullen house, ready to ambush our favorite Twilight character.

"I'm telling you, she'll see it coming."

I didn't say anything for a moment. "But," I said defiantly. "It's my fan fiction, and if I don't want her to see us coming, she won't"

Nina grinned. "It's brilliant! She'll never see it coming!"

I smiled. "I know, right!" I reached my hand up for a high five, but she was too busy running over our plan with the third member of our group, BJ, who had just joined us.

"Ooh," Nina was saying, "That is a good idea. Courtney, why don't we throw apples at him! They'll never see it coming!"

I shook my head. "Idiot! That's when Erin and her friends Kathleen and Leah did in their story. Now shush, we're going in…"

"Ha!" I yelled as we ran in while Jasper an Alice were playing chess in the living room.

"Um," Jasper said. "Oh no, you aren't with those other crazy girls, are you?"

I glared at him. "I liked you better in the book." I said, crossing my arms.

"Then why are you feeling so smug?"

I glared at his some more.

"Don't even think about it," Alice said.

"Ha!" I said again. "While you saw that I was going to do that, I was really devising a plan to make you think I was going to do that, but to do something else entirely! But of course, you saw that, too, so I decided I would go through with the original plan! But you would expect me to do that!"

Alice raised an eyebrow. "So what are you going to do now?"

"Ha!" I said again, "The unexpected!"

I looked around for something completely unexpected. "Oh," I said. "Hmm. I was trying to be spontaneous… Oh well, what can I do. I guess I'll have to do what was expected, but only by the other girls, because it was their idea. So you would have expected it, but when I said I wasn't with them, you would stop expecting it. So it is unexpected! But now you're expecting something, so…POOF!" I threw my magic sparkles into the air. I cringed as I realized that I had forgotten the sparkles, and instead thrown my pretzels all over the Cullens living room.

"My pretzels!" I screamed.

There was a screech from upstairs. "You dropped the PRETZELS! You idiot!"

I ran up the stairs, pleading with BJ not to kill me.

Then, suddenly, I couldn't see anything. Someone so tall that they blocked the sun was standing in front of me! "AGH! A giant!" **(AN: Sorry Alexis, but you know it's true. Luv you!)**

"Oh, Alexis, it's you." I looked at my feet. "Sorry."

Alexis was standing with her back straight on one side of the door, and so I decided to help her stop the Cullens from being able to get out of the living room.

Then, Rosalie came over and glared at us. She tried to push us out of the way, but my giant friend Alexis was unfazed! **(AN: OK Alexis, I'll stop with the tall jokes now…)**

"We guard the gates of HELL!" I yelled. Alexis looked at me evenly. "You mean the HALL," she said, "We guard the HALL. Idiot."

"Oooh, I get it."

"What do you get Aly?" BJ asked.

"Ummm," I didn't know what to say. I felt my face heating up with the pressure. Everyone was staring at me! "Pi?"

She nodded. "Ah, 3.14."

Rosalie nodded too. "Actually, 3.14159-" BJ pushed Rosalie and she fell on the floor.

"That's what you get for hating Bella!" she yelled.

"And being prettier than us!" I yelled. BJ looked at me. "Speak for yourself," she said.

"What are you guys doing?" Charlie asked, walking up to us.

"Oh," I said cheerfully. "We're-"

"How did you get in?" BJ asked, TOTALLY INTERRUPTING ME!

"The door was unlocked," Charlie said, "And, look, BJ, you made Aly cry!"

I wiped the tears from my face. "SHE INTERRUPTED ME!" I screamed loudly.

BJ hugged me. I smiled, not crying anymore.

Alexis and Charlie and Dayna were discussing their battle strategy. Charlie wanted to get revenge on Edward for killing her favorite character, James, Alexis wanted to ransack Edward's room, and BJ wanted to drool over Jasper. **(AN: Ok, maybe that was a little mean, but it's true and I'm not taking it back!) **I just wanted to tell Emmett my new joke.

Alexis and Charlie screamed and ran for Edward's room, both for different purposes.

BJ tried to sneak into the living room, where Alice was sitting next to Jasper on the couch, but she tripped over her shoelaces.

I walked outside where Emmett was discussing sporks with Esme.

"It's not a spoon OR a fork," Emmett was saying. Esme was shocked.

"It must be one or the other," she replied.

I walked up to them and said, very smugly, "I eat with a spork every single day!"

Emmett gasped, and Esme's jaw dropped. They were very impressed with my smarticles. I nodded, my hands on my hips.

"Hey Emmett!" I said, seizing my chance.

"Yeah?" he said eagerly.

"What did my blonde friend do when she lost my phone number?"

Emmett puzzled over this for a moment before giving up.

I giggled. "She called me to ask for it!" I yelled before bursting into hysterical laughter.

He high-fived me. I screamed in pain and pulled the last pretzel from my pocket. "Don't make me use this!" I warned. He instantly froze.

**My friends have been begging me to put this up, so here it is. Randomness. If you like this, read The Voices in his head by Randomanimallover. It's hilarious.**

**If you like this, you might like my other stories:**

**Crazyness**

**Butterflies, Bagpipes, and Peanut Butter**

**Bella, Some Evil Muffins, and James, Oh My! **

**Cullen Games**

**Alice's Visions**

**(Warning, may cause you to laugh so hard you pee your pants.)**

**And a new, more serious one I'm working on, The Roses On Her Grave.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Hey everyone! I'm at my house with my friend Dayna/Charlie (From the story!) and she's going to help me with chapter 2! Yippee!**

**Aly: I own TWILIGHT!**

**Dayna: SO DO I!!**

**Aly: We command you to dance!:**

…

**Dayna: SQUARE DANCE!**

…

**Aly: Maybe we don't own Twilight… Charlie?**

**Dayna: Well, crap, I guess not.**

Alexis and Dayna slowly cracked open the door the Edward's bedroom. Then Alexis flung herself onto the couch, which came crashing down. "Oops."

Dayna grabbed a pair of Edward's underwear and laughed manically. "He's gonna like it a lot when he finds old macaroni in here…"

Alexis just stared at her. Sometimes we worry about Dayna. Alexis screamed.

Dayna snapped around quickly. "What's wrong!?"

"He has wigs! Tons and tons of wigs! Look, this one's purple!"

"OMG," Dayna screamed. "That's freaking awesome!" Alexis and Dayna began trying on various wigs. Then, the door swung open to reveal a very annoyed looking Edward.

"What are you _doing_?" he asked. "HA!" screamed Dayna, "I have found you!"

Alexis sighed and smacked her forehead. She sometimes wondered how she'd become friends with this bunch of morons.

Edward screamed suddenly. "Why would you be thinking _THAT!!??_" he yelled at Dayna.

Dayna grinned evilly. "That's how my mind works…"

"Where's Jasper's room?" BJ asked, running in. "Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you were Dayna and Alexis."

Alexis smacked her forehead again and pulled off the wig.

"ALEXIS!" BJ screamed. "It is you! But where's Dayna?!"

"I'm- I mean, _she_- isn't here right now. Please leave a message."

BJ said, "Okay. The perimeter of the base times the height plus two times the area of the base equals the total surface area of a prism. Oh, and James is downstairs!"

Dayna squealed and ripped of the wig. BJ gasped. "Dayna! How did you get here so fast!?"

Dayna ran toward the stairs, screaming, "Out of my way, idiots!" to the imaginary people in the hall. Then, all they could hear was a loud banging noise as if someone was falling down the stairs…

"I wonder what that was," BJ said conversationally. Alexis just smacked her forehead.

Then, Dayna screams echoed through the house. BJ and Alexis looked up to realize Edward was no longer there. They ran toward the stairs, when BJ remembered something. "No, wait! It wasn't James, they said _Jessica_! Wow, I'm glad that's cleared up!"

Dayna stomped back up the stair and tackled BJ. BJ screamed. She grabbed a long wig and tried to strangle Dayna with it. Then Dayna grabbed a beehive wig and smacked BJ across the face with it.

Then Aly came out of nowhere. "No really," she was saying to Emmett and Jacob. "I use them all the time!"

"No freaking way!" Emmett and Jacob yelled at the same time. "It's true," Aly said, pulling a spork from her pocket.

"Prove it!" Jacob said.

Aly then pulled a jar of peanut butter from her pocket. "Watch closely," she said.

She unscrewed the cap slowly. Then she dipped the spork into the peanut butter. She then licked the spork clean.

Jacob and Emmett screamed and ran out the front door, hiding in the bushes, as Aly was clearly superior to them.

Then, Edward walked up. Seeing the peanut butter, he screamed, running to the nearest window and landing in the bushes outside.

A moment of silence, then, "Get your own hiding spot!" Emmett screamed. "EMMETT!? JACOB!? What- no, wait, I don't want to know."

Aly walked up to where Dayna and BJ were still wrestling and said, "'Sup?"

Dayna and BJ stopped fighting for a second and both pointed to the left. Aly nodded, and walked in that direction.

She opened the door to Alice's room.

Alice screamed. Aly put her hands up. "Truce?" she asked.

Alice looked skeptical. "Truce," she said slowly.

Aly grinned. "Now I have someone to shop with!!"

Alice grinned too. "Let's go!" she yelled.


	3. Chapter 3

**AN: Please review! I won't write another chapter until I get at least 15 reviews total. And dudes, I LOVE writing this, so please, as soon as I have 15 reviews, I'll give you another chapter! I only have 8!**

**Disclaimer- **

**Me: Oh, um, hello. Er, I come in peace, take me to your leader!**

**Carlisle: You mean Stephanie Meyer?**

**Me: Stephanie Meyer!? You mean, as in…not me**

**Carlisle: I'm afraid so.**

**Me: (cries)**

**Esme: I'm so sorry Aly.**

**Me: Can I at least own you?**

**Esme: (nodding sympathetically) No.**

Charlie: Bella, I cannot believe this. Dr. Morelli is supposed to be the best!

Bella: Well, I guess not.

Charlie: Bella, he asked you to never come within 50 feet of the building.

Bella: And?

Charlie: Bella, I really think you need to talk to someone. I was on the phone with Dr. Morelli for an hour last night-

Bella: Yeah, and I'm sure that worked.

Charlie: I was on the phone for an hour last night, and finally was told by a secretary that you are under no circumstances allowed to come back.

Bella: Thank god.

Charlie: So you'll be seeing a new doctor from now on.

Bella: WHAT!?

Charlie: Dr. Stevens. She seemed very nice on the phone.

Bella: … Do I have a choice?

Charlie: No.

(And then some time passed where some stuff happened at some places)

Dr. Stevens: Hello Bella, I'm Dr. Lolita Stevens.

Bella: My name is Jessica Stanley, I don't know who this Bella person is. (looks around). You'd better hurry if you want to find her. (starts to walk out)

Dr. Stevens: (closes the door) Bella, I heard what happened with your other doctor, and I have your file here, so you don't need to go over the first part again.

Bella: Thank god.

Dr. Stevens: Unless there's something you'd like to add?

Bella: No I'm good.

Dr. Stevens: Well then-

Bella: It was nice talking to you Doc, now if you'll excuse me, I have to see a guy about a motorcycle.

Dr. Stevens: Bella! I am surprised at you! Motorcycles are very dangerous!

Bella: But I have to ride a motorcycle so that I can hear his voice!

Dr. Stevens: Oh, Edward. Bella, you must realize that people cannot help their feelings. Even though Edward left you, you should learn to accept that he cannot love you in the same way he love his, er, partner.

Bella: His partner's name is James.

Dr. Stevens: Ah, James. Do you think you might be a little jealous of James?

Bella: Are you?

Dr. Stevens: Bella, I need your help. Therapy is a two-person procedure.

Bella: Then why don't you get James in here, and the two of you can talk this over.

Dr. Stevens: Ah, so James is the problem.

Bella: Ok, Doc, you're right, I hate James, and I want to go to LA and murder him, then find Edward and drag him back to Forks by his ears.

Dr. Stevens: Bella, I get the feeling you don't want to be here.

Bella: What!? I haven't the slightest idea of what you're talking about!

Dr. Stevens: Then stop trying to pick the lock on the door.


End file.
